Friday, March 2, 2012


This is by far the hardest time of my life. Mom has stopped eating and drinking three days ago. Hospice tells me, "someone in the room will probably not be here Monday morning." It has been days of morphine and atrophine. sp. Mom just sleeps. My husband keeps working. Even tonight he met some woman at the bar to talk about an estimate. My daughter and her boyfriend came home fromNYC. My brother came over today. My sister's daughter flew back from Maryland. Laura , my daughter, is is CA. I don't relate to the blble readings. This is SO SO sad. My mother... My sister doesn't talk to me.... I know everyone is born and dies alone....
This is So Hard......

Monday, May 30, 2011


Next door neighbors are having a tag sale. I see this as a great opportunity to give Bea exercise and socialization, so we take the walker and head on over. Mom notices a large stuffed ape wearing ski googles, hat and scarf. And it's in the FREE box. (Aren't we lucky?!) She picks it up and hugs it like it's a real child. They've bonded. Janet tells her that she can have this "special albino ape" because Janet knows that Bea will take good care of her. Bea is more than delighted.

And so the ape rides on the walker home. After I take the ski attire off, I give Mom scarves, and jewelry to dress the ape. ( I'm not quite sure what kind of an animal it is. It looks like a white ape, but with a long tail.) Now the ape has a red scarf and red flower on it's head. A sliver necklace accents the red dress.

"How old is this baby?"

"I'd say about 2 months. It's still very young."

"But why does this baby have this big nose? I don't think I like that."

"That will change as the baby grows."

"I think she looks so cute in this red scarf and flower in her hair, don't you?'

I got so enthusiastic about her enthusiasm I brought out some earrings.
"How about these earrings? These would be cute."

"Earrings! I don't think so. No, no, no. I can't put earrings on a BABY! That would be disgusting. And people would think I'm nuts."

Monday, February 28, 2011

How will they get home?

Parked facing the laundromat, Mom watches me pick up the freshly washed quilt and put it in the back seat. I get in the driver's
seat. She asks, "What about all those other people? Aren't they coming in our car?"

"No, not in our car",I answer.

"Then how will they get home?"

Still fiesty

Well, Bea has had a remarkable recovery after her weekend in the hospital. A decrease in meds has left her about 10 years younger.Why she actually called me Lynn the other day. The first time in over a year. It's amazing.

Today we were driving by the frozen pond. I mentioned that men were ice fishing there yesterday,
Her response,"So What! That's not my thing. And I would never NEVER want to live in one of those houses.
I have CHILDREN and they could fall in...."

Shee xpresses her fear of living close to the water every time we pass a pond, lake or shore. I grew up only a few blocks from Long Island Sound and we spent days at the beach. i never remember this fear when I was little. "What are you talking about? You would send me to swim at the beach alone when I was only8 years old. You would tell me not to go beyond the top of my bathing suit"

A long pause and then she says, "Well, you're still alive aren't you?"

Tuesday, February 15, 2011


Friday, 11 am. Glennis who is drying her hair calls, "Lynn, Lynn, you'd better come here..."

Bea is slumped to one side of chair, eyes wide open, mouth open, drool dripping, ashen grey, cold, ice cold. Her lips now purple.
I could hardly feel her breath. Her heart is racing. My heart is racing. Called 911. Grabbed envelope from refrig door containing info for ER -insurance info, pic ID, and current med list. Pushed all furniture away from pathway from door to her room. Waiting...waiting...seems like an eternity. Finally 3 men arrive, take vitals, wrap her in blanket and put her on stretcher.The tell me her heart is racing... My heart is now racing faster..
They put stretcher in ambulance. One EM tech asks her if she knows where she is.

She sings,"Heaven, I'm in heaven....."
"Good, I made you laugh, now where's my candy?"

Another night just before bed

Good night Mom, Love you.

You're a wonderful lady.

Mom,I'm your daughter. You're my Mother.

Oh boy, oh boy,.. everybody tells me they're my children.
How many children did I have?
What is it? Did I have lots of men?

No, no, no, just Dad. You married Charlie and had 3 children.

Well, then, he must have been fooling around....

No, no, it was you and Charlie for 55 years.

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

Thump drag

I hear her coming down the hall from her bedroom. Now she's behind me as I read on the computer. I stand up to greet her with a hug.

" You're Lynn..."

"Yes, yes, Mom, I am..I'm your daughter, Lynn!"

For the first time in years, she knew who I was and then used my name. .. This is a strange disease.