DEATH IS NEAR

This is by far the hardest time of my life. Mom has stopped eating and drinking three days ago. Hospice tells me, "someone in the room will probably not be here Monday morning." It has been days of morphine and atrophine. sp. Mom just sleeps. My husband keeps working. Even tonight he met some woman at the bar to talk about an estimate. My daughter and her boyfriend came home fromNYC. My brother came over today. My sister's daughter flew back from Maryland. Laura , my daughter, is is CA. I don't relate to the blble readings. This is SO SO sad. My mother... My sister doesn't talk to me.... I know everyone is born and dies alone....
This is So Hard......

FREE APE

Next door neighbors are having a tag sale. I see this as a great opportunity to give Bea exercise and socialization, so we take the walker and head on over. Mom notices a large stuffed ape wearing ski googles, hat and scarf. And it's in the FREE box. (Aren't we lucky?!) She picks it up and hugs it like it's a real child. They've bonded. Janet tells her that she can have this "special albino ape" because Janet knows that Bea will take good care of her. Bea is more than delighted.

And so the ape rides on the walker home. After I take the ski attire off, I give Mom scarves, and jewelry to dress the ape. ( I'm not quite sure what kind of an animal it is. It looks like a white ape, but with a long tail.) Now the ape has a red scarf and red flower on it's head. A sliver necklace accents the red dress.

"How old is this baby?"

"I'd say about 2 months. It's still very young."

"But why does this baby have this big nose? I don't think I like that."

"That will change as the baby grows."

"I think she looks so cute in this red scarf and flower in her hair, don't you?'

I got so enthusiastic about her enthusiasm I brought out some earrings.
"How about these earrings? These would be cute."

"Earrings! I don't think so. No, no, no. I can't put earrings on a BABY! That would be disgusting. And people would think I'm nuts."

How will they get home?

Parked facing the laundromat, Mom watches me pick up the freshly washed quilt and put it in the back seat. I get in the driver's
seat. She asks, "What about all those other people? Aren't they coming in our car?"

"No, not in our car",I answer.

"Then how will they get home?"

Still fiesty

Well, Bea has had a remarkable recovery after her weekend in the hospital. A decrease in meds has left her about 10 years younger.Why she actually called me Lynn the other day. The first time in over a year. It's amazing.

Today we were driving by the frozen pond. I mentioned that men were ice fishing there yesterday,
Her response,"So What! That's not my thing. And I would never NEVER want to live in one of those houses.
I have CHILDREN and they could fall in...."

Shee xpresses her fear of living close to the water every time we pass a pond, lake or shore. I grew up only a few blocks from Long Island Sound and we spent days at the beach. i never remember this fear when I was little. "What are you talking about? You would send me to swim at the beach alone when I was only8 years old. You would tell me not to go beyond the top of my bathing suit"

A long pause and then she says, "Well, you're still alive aren't you?"

Heaven

Friday, 11 am. Glennis who is drying her hair calls, "Lynn, Lynn, you'd better come here..."

Bea is slumped to one side of chair, eyes wide open, mouth open, drool dripping, ashen grey, cold, ice cold. Her lips now purple.
I could hardly feel her breath. Her heart is racing. My heart is racing. Called 911. Grabbed envelope from refrig door containing info for ER -insurance info, pic ID, and current med list. Pushed all furniture away from pathway from door to her room. Waiting...waiting...seems like an eternity. Finally 3 men arrive, take vitals, wrap her in blanket and put her on stretcher.The tell me her heart is racing... My heart is now racing faster..
They put stretcher in ambulance. One EM tech asks her if she knows where she is.

She sings,"Heaven, I'm in heaven....."
"Good, I made you laugh, now where's my candy?"

Another night just before bed

Good night Mom, Love you.

You're a wonderful lady.

Mom,I'm your daughter. You're my Mother.

Oh boy, oh boy,.. everybody tells me they're my children.
How many children did I have?
What is it? Did I have lots of men?

No, no, no, just Dad. You married Charlie and had 3 children.

Well, then, he must have been fooling around....

No, no, it was you and Charlie for 55 years.

Thump drag

I hear her coming down the hall from her bedroom. Now she's behind me as I read on the computer. I stand up to greet her with a hug.

" You're Lynn..."

"Yes, yes, Mom, I am..I'm your daughter, Lynn!"

For the first time in years, she knew who I was and then used my name. .. This is a strange disease.

Is your mother still living?

Yes, she is. She is the best mother ever. She has a wonderful sense of humor. She loves to laugh.
And she was lots of fun growing up. She loved to dance, sing and play games.

She sounds like me. Does she live with you?

Yes, she is very much like you. And she does live with me.

You're lucky you still have her. Someday she'll die and then you'll really miss her.

I know. I am very lucky.

"These are all my own teeth."

"These are all my own teeth."

I was paying bills in at the desk in the living room, when I heard Mom tell me the above.
She was standing near the desk smiling.

"Hello. I just came to say hello. I'm here and you're here, so I thought I'd just say hello.
You have a good attitude. These are all my own teeth you know. But I did have a dentist
take on out in the back."

"It was decayed?"

" No, there was nothing wrong with it. You have to watch those doctors. I'm mad at him
for taking it out."

"Well, why do you suppose he pulled that tooth out?'

"I don't know... Maybe he wanted it to put in someone else's mouth..."

Singing in the Rain

Bea turned 85. For some reason, she seemed more with it than ever. I don't know why. Maybe it was the nap until dinner time.
I woke her up to Gene Kelly singing. My husband gave her the yellow umbrella. Even if she couldn't remember many words or her singing was off key, she was WONDERFUL! A moment I will remember forever. Sometimes it's a joy to be sitting in the front row.

I have a close friend who lost her Dad to Alzheimer's not long ago. She also took care or her father at home, so naturally our families spent time together. And we got to know her father well. She brought her Dad, with his electric shaver in his back pocket, over to our family BBQ. (This was during the time he would wake everyone up shaving at 2am., so she thought if he had the shaver with him at all times, they might be able to get some sleep.)

So, naturally I did not think about getting a sitter for Mom, when she asked us out to dinner to meet her son's new girlfriend.
Everything was fine until we all put our folded menus on the table. Mom was sitting across from the new girlfriend who was wearing a low cut top.


"BOOBIES, BOOBIES....LITTLE, LITTLE BOOBIES PEEKING OUT!", she shouted as she bounced her own boobs up and down.
"That's o.k. Let them come out...."


Thank God that the girl is studying to be a Marriage Family Therapist. We all laughed and thankfully the new girl has a great sense of humor.

Dinners were ordered, wine poured and we talked. But no one really included Mom in the conversation among 8 people.
I never thought that it would bother her because sometimes she has long quiet spells. When the waitress came with her dinner and tried to place it in front of her, another outburst. "GOD DAMM IT, JESUS CHRIST, SON OF A BITCH! I CAN'T EAT THAT!"

I consider myself more than lucky to have such good friends in such circumstances, but I think dinners with Bea at that restaurant will be far and few from now on.

The Butterfly Jacket

As I passed my mother's room the other afternoon, she whispered, "Come in, come in. I want to show you something."
She took the Butterfly Jacket out of her closet.

Now i need to describe this jacket. It must be one- of -a-kind. Three inch butterflies cover black silk on the front and back. To top it off the entire coat is trimmed in red braiding. I bought it for her at a second-hand store. She doesn't care, but if she were in her right mind she never would accept anything used. My mother wants to wear it every day.

"How do you like it?,she asked.

"It is BEAUTIFUL!"

"I made it you know."

"Oh, that must have taken a lot of time - so many butterflies.. How did you do it?

" It took a lot of time. I had to sew all these shiny things on..."

"The sequins?"

"Yes, the sequins. Here would you try it on? Just for the fun of it."

She always loved clothes and jewelry. And "Just for the fun of it " was a common phrase when new clothes came in the house growing up.She wanted us give her a fashion show, elementary school through high school. I hated it, but now I would gladly try the Butterfly Jacket on for her. And I even added the rhinestone earrings.

Can I wear these to bed?

Mom has long ago forgotten the word,"earring", but she is still very concerned about her appearance. Late every afternoon I wake her up, telling her it's "cocktail hour". ( She gets 1 glass of wine and cranberry juice thereafter - but Mom never knows the difference)

Her immediate response,"Cocktails? Oh, good,"What am I going to wear? You'll have to help me..."


That was really an aside, this is tonight's real story.....
Tonight she found a pair of silver earrings on her bedside table. She insisted on trying them on and smiling at herself in the mirror. I told her she would probably like to wear them to dinner tomorrow with her son,"Chuckie, my boy".

( Isn't it something that she still recalls her only son, yet thinks that I am just another caretaker, no relation, even though she lives with me 24/7?)

Then she asked in a sweet childlike voice, "Can I wear these to bed?"

"Sure!." I almost cried. She is still my mother and she is here physically, but someone else has invaded her brain. I know I will miss her terribly when she is gone, yet there are days when I wish I were anywhere but here. Her slowness in moving,short-term memory loss I don't want to stop living because she is dying....
Some days seem easy, today is not one of them.

Pregnant and married

Looking at old photos, I saw a photo of my Mom and my daughter when she was born. It brought back memories of questions I have never asked.

Mom, You never told me you were pregnant when you go married.

So what? Did I have a baby? What did I have?

A girl.

Did she get married?

Yes.

And did she have children?

Yes. Two daughters.

Well, then. It turned out alright, didn't it?

I guess so....

Sometimes dementia works for you and some times it doesn't

I admit, I should not have teased my mother about getting a Mohawk haircut before I took her to the hairdresser. Even if she had no idea of what a Mohawk was, it did create an alarming reaction. She is so fearful of looking like a man. She always had such a great sense of humor and when she seems almost there, I tend to think she IS back to her old self and I tease her. Mean. Not productive.
So, we arrive at the hairdresser's and I assure Bea she can tell the woman exactly what she wants and the hairdresser will do it. I escort Mom to the chair, convinced that only 1inch will be clipped. Ahhh! Thank God for AC and lots of magazines to peruse. It's about 90 degrees outside. What a wonderful break. Haircut done already? I go to help her up from the chair, the hairdresser says, "She told me she would KILL me if I cut too much..." I look on the floor, - no hair. Her head looks exactly the same.... I forgot to tell the hairdresser she has Alzheimer's. What did that woman think?.....
That will be $35.00 please.....
On the way out the door she remarked to an older man, "Aren't you handsome? I bet your wife loves you?"
He had NO IDEA that she was out of it.. Yet he appreciated her compliment.
Sometimes dementia works for you and sometimes it doesn't.

NOTE FROM GRANDPA May 17,2010

Helping Mom get undressed for bed, I noticed a tissue sticking out of her bra. I pulled it out.

"Don't touch my body!" she exclaimed.

"I just pulled a tissue from your bra." I answered.

"It could be a note... Maybe it's a note from Grandpa. .. It could be something important written on it. You never know. You shouldn't take things without asking."

DIAPER VS LIPSTICK

Well the sign in the bathroom was pointless. We read it together and practiced. Yet every morning when I got up, the sign and diaper were still there. And her diaper was soaked. But she was still wearing it, so the pjs and the bed were still dry.
I wonder if she saw the sign and then wondered ,"Who is "MOM?" Maybe if I put her picture next to the sign. No, that wouldn't work. She would just stare at her photo. So I just decided to let it go and deal with the ocassional accidents. I AM thankful that she does refresh her lipstick before going back to bed. lol.

Monday night dinner

ME: You were always a good cook, Mom. I always loved your Chicken Cacciatore.

BEA: Who taught you to cook?

ME: My mother.

BEA: Does she live close to you?

ME: No, she lives far, far, away. I really miss her. Who taught you to cook?

BEA: My mother. She taught me everything.............Oh no.,....Oh..
I can't remember if my mother is dead or not.

take ME...Take ME April 21, 2010

Mom gets up in the night to go to the bathroom, usually taking her diaper off. She puts her pajamas back on without a clean diaper. There have been three accidents in the bed after that. She's so quiet in the night I don't wake up.

So I found some bells and put them on her door. (These bells sound like the goat bells in the fields of Toiny, St. Barts. God that was the best way to wake up in the first morning of vacation,) Now I dread hearing g the same sound. After about a week of getting up i the middle of the night, needless to say, I was exhausted and crabby. I needed a new plan. She's got to wear a diaper ALL night.

I thought of duck-taping the diaper on til morning - just one ring of tape over the diaper ... or maybe wear the duck-tape as suspenders, but my daughter wanted to know if I was serious. Guess that was a crazy idea.... She suggested I write a note, so here's what I wrote:


MOM,

PUT A CLEAN DIAPER ON
BEFORE YOU GO BACK TO BED


I wrote an arrow on the sign pointing to the diaper hanging next to it. I wrote on the back of the diaper in extra large letters:

TAKE ME


I taped the sign to the towel bar directly in front of the toilet so she would see it when she sat down. We read it together before bed. She said she understood. Trial run last night. I left the bathroom light on instead of just the nightlight.

No good. The wet diaper is in the wast basked and she did not touch the one labeled, TAKE ME. She is still asleep. The health -aid will be here any minute... We will tackle the problem together when she gets here. Maybe that's the way we should deal with this everyday. Get a strong rubber pad and keep washing and bleaching.

How about if I leave her signs on the mirror and on the back of the bathroom door. What should it say so that she will remember to check if she has a diaper on just after reading it?

CHECK YOUR PAJAMAS... ARE YOU WEARING A DIAPER/ YOU SHOULD BE

PUT A CLEAN DIAPER ON

PANTIES ON?

DO YOU WANT TO WET THE BED? WEAR A DIAPER

DANGER! DON'T LEAVE THIS AREA WITHOUT WEARING A DIAPER

ONLY PEOPLE WEARING DIAPERS ALLOWED IN BEDROOM

ARE YOU SAFE? WEAR A DIAPER

SAY YES TO DIAPERS

DIAPERS AT NIGHT - ALWAYS

She seems to forget one sentence just after she reads it. How about a cartoon? diagram?photo of herself? - no, she'll just stare at it and smile.

I'll keep trying. There has got to be a way.

ARE YOU WEARING A DIAPER?

ARE YOU MARRIED? APRI 18, 2010

"Do you have a wife?". Bea remarks to my husband as she strokes his arm.

"Would she mind if you had a girlfriend?" Now she is trying to hug and kiss him.

My husband laughs , yet it 's somehow really creepy. And every new day that she sees him she somehow remembers to ask him if he is married. She forgets who I am, yet always seems to remember her feeling for my husband. I never would have thought this would happen in a thousand years. Dinners are now filled with surprise.